Pain

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Psychological issues causes just as much pain as other injuries does, sometimes even more. When your pain isn’t visible it suddenly gets a whole bunch of new aspects. One of which is that people doubt your pain or belittle it, sometimes so much that you believe them and start doubting yourself. An other one is that it is so much harder to cure and going to a doctor and try to explain can be near impossible. There is one aspect though, that hurts more than anything else: My pain causes everyone I care about pain.

If someone you care about is having a depression or a panic attack one of the worst things you can do is project their emotions onto yourself. I remember a period when my panic attacks were really bad and there was a situation where someone close to me started  crying because of my pain. Apocalypse. On top of my panic, self loathing and fear I got  to blame myself for the pain I caused others. I don’t think I have ever felt so strong self hate like the one I get from hurting my loved ones.

The apocalypse develops into a full blown zombie apocalypse when you realise that you keep others form showing their emotions. It becomes a messy chaos ball of zombie apocalypse when you don’t want to hurt them by being sad and they don’t want to hurt you by showing they are sad about you being sad and wkgaoæsfgjaoeig. It feels impossible.

Sometimes it feels like I should just run away. Hide somewhere so they could get me and my problems off their shoulders. I know it’s the depression talking, but the feeling is nevertheless very real.

I don’t have an answer, I wish I did. Life is hard. Go eat a potato.

 

2 years

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Time is relative. In many cases two years isn’t a very long time. For me, these past years feels like just two weeks and an eternity at the same time. That is because i have been so lucky to have shared my life with the amazing Allan. It is almost surreal how happy he makes me and in these dark times he is my shining light. Thank you my dearest, for everything. I am positive that it will only get better from here. In 10 years time it is so good we just sit in a corner vomiting rainbows

I love you.

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Castle

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IMG_5150IMG_5083My beautiful and wize mother is quite amazing. She’s just fantastic in general, but this time I had one particualer thing in mind. For my 20th birthday she got me an extraodanary present, a weekend stay at Kokkedal Castle near Copenhagen.
The weekend was full of fancy treatments and delicious meals. We got there Friday evening and had some dinner in the late 1800’s style library bar. After a couple of cocktails we retired to our room and watched some dearly missed Norwegian tv until we fell asleep. I haven’t seen (Norwegian) tv for a very long time and it was very nice and comforting.

IMG_5117Saturday we had a longer itinerary. It started with a breakfast in the 1700’s basement of the castle. There were no free tables so we got the secluded Le Chambre with a big round table and velvet curtains that separated us from the rest of the guests. It  felt very fancy and VIP and just a pinch silly. I was granted a yoga session to go with my stay and Allan and I tried couples-yoga after breakfast. We went out in the sun filled Castle garden and got our zen going on a surprisingly warm October’s morning. It was truly peaceful and breathtaking.

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Just chillin’

Making some friends

Making some friends

Handsome devil

Handsome devil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next thing on the list was of course the spa. I was the lucky one and had a aroma massage while Allan soaked in the pool and steam room. At the end of it all we felt like two fat kittens who had relaxed in the sun all day. After a walk in the neighbourhood forest it was time for dinner. Caviar, champagne and poussin, nothing short for the birthday girl this year.

IMG_5208 (1)On Sunday we were leaving, but we got to catch the afternoon tea for we went back to the real world. We got the old school treatment with small sandwiches, mini cakes and petit four, started with a glass of champagne of course. It wouldn’t be afternoon tea without champagne..right.

Anyway we had a blast. We felt like nobles and got so spoiled we should only eat rice for a week to calm down. Lovely weekend, great service and Worlds (Lol) is coming up. Life is kinda okay

 ❤

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Before dinner in the sunset

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Saying goodbye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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20!

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So this is it. Adulthood.

Just like I joined the grown ups’ ranks at my confirmation when I was 15 and became an adult when I was 18. It is again time to grow up with a new milestone. 20.

 

IMG_4897Although everyone says it’s overrated, I thought it would feel different, more special. I value birthdays very highly since it is a celebration of life and that you exist. There is nothing bigger than that, now is it? This year wasn’t like the others though. I had lower expectations than I used to and I wasn’t as exited. Luckily for me I have an amazing partner and family and they made my day incredible. It was quite some time since I last had some much happiness in so little time. I was surprised that they went to such lengths for me, but furthermore I think it’s weird that I am surprised over it. Why should I be when I know they are such fantastic people and that they indeed love me very much. Especially considering all the incredible birthdays my family has made for me all my life. It has always been special and original.

Now that it’s over I truly feel like it is a new era. Not that it changed overnight. I have felt it coming for some time now. Moving out from my parents, moving in with Allan, not to mention moving to a different country. I have grown so much living life a different way and sharing my life with another as I do with Allan. It is different than I imagined, it is better than I imagined.

For the first time in a couple of years I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope I am not imagining things. Here’s to hope.

Thank you all.

 

Allan suprised me on my birthday and took me around town with a great many suprises. He is so amazing.

Allan suprised me on my birthday and took me around town with a great many suprises. He is so amazing.

 

Queer Gaming Guide

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When we play video games it’s common that we want some kind of portrayal of ourselves in an epic story fighting monsters or solving important quests. At least we would want to be able to relate to the characters in one way or another. For a long time the most common main characters in gaming has been heterosexual white males with the occasional big breasted teenage girls. News flash! Not all gamers are ripped, white, adult, or heterosexual.

 

It is true that we have come a long way since Infocom portrayed the first gay video game character in Moonmist in ’86. Since then we have both had awful comical parodies of queer people and good realistically portrayals of normal people who happens to be gay. I would go as far as to say that we are in a truly revolutionary time regarding gaming and that gay characters no longer is a comical shtick.

In relation to some game testing I’ve been doing for the Norwegian LGBTQ-centre, I researched some LGBTQ positive games and made a little list for you all to enjoy, so you’ll know what game to play next.

I had some basic questions I was supposed to answer and in addition I’ll give a general review based upon my own experience. That said, I have not played all the games I want to mention (my reason: zombies and gaming preferences), but I’ll do my best. So without further ado:

 

                 The big gay gaming guide!

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The Last of us: Left Behind

The Last of us is a third person survival/horror game about ZOMBIES. Yeah, I’m out. Buuut I did some digging and watched some let’s plays and discovered that behind  all the growling, human eating monsters, there’s a really beautiful game. You fight, run and try to survive in a post-apocalyptic world where humans have been infected by a mutated strain of the Cordyceps fungus. The main character of the main game is Joel, who is escorting young Ellie across the United States.

Now to the interesting part. After a very successful game realise, the developers Naughty Dog, made a downloadable expansion focusing on Ellie’s back story and a prologue to the game. The Last of us: Left Behind follows Ellie and her relationship with her childhood friend Riley.

“Left Behind shows just what it’s like [to be a teenage girl] , post-apocalyptic military state and deadly fungal outbreak notwithstanding. It’s unbearably intense, confusing, frustrating and conflicted – much like being a teenage boy, I’d presume.”
– Keza McDonald, IGN.com
(http://www.ign.com/articles/2014/02/19/the-significance-of-the-last-of-us-left-behind)

ellie_riley_kiss_by_silverfannumberone-d774ozuAs you may have already understood Ellie and Riley are trying to figure out their feelings for each other. We don’t know what their sexuality is, not even after Ellie kisses Riley in a moment of passion. It’s probable that they don’t even know themselves. The only thing we can be certain of is that they are two people who love each other deeply. For all people who are or have been teenagers, queer or straight, this is a story you can relate to. We all remember the intensity and awkwardness when we truly felt we loved someone as teenagers be it romantically or as a close friend.

With the following comic book, The Last of us: American Dreams as well, this isn’t just some video game anymore. It is a living story that could just as easily have been a book. I think that sometimes in all the action, we forget what a powerful medium video games can be. We are not presented with a story as a passive part. In this growing relationship between the two young girls you are one half of it. What better way to be told a story than to experience it first hand?

 Availability: This game is strictly PS3/4 and can be bought in different game shops and online.
Outdated/Newer editions?: They are teasing with a Last of us 2, but the director has said the chances are 50/50
Full price: 17 € at Amazon
Gayness: The original game can go home but Left behind can get a nice 7/10
Awesomeness: It looks really cool, but I haven’t played it.

 

Dragon Age

I recently started playing Dragon Age: Origins and I am almost frighteningly hooked already. Origins is the first in a series of, so far, three games: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2 and Dragon Age: Inquisition.  Although I have currently only played the one I will do a general overview of the series (cause’ it’s awesome!).

All the games have a lot of similarities. They are action adventure games set in the same fantasy world with stories that builds on top of each other and reference the previous games.

 

My elven warrior Eir, currently dating the human bard Leilanna.

My elven warrior Eir, currently dating the human bard Leilanna.

The first thing you do is pick a character. In both origins and inquisition you pick your race as well as gender and class, but for the sake of the story in DA2 you can only play human. Still you pick gender and class which will impact your story and how the other characters and NPCs interacts with you.

One of the reasons I really enjoy this game series is the heavy focus on roleplaying alongside  quests and fighting baddies. You will pick up companions along the way and develop different relationship and sometimes romances with them. In origins there are four main companions you’ll get early on, two males and two females. Regardless of what gender, race and class you play you can always develop romances with three out of four. The first two companions are straight, while the two last are bisexual. Throughout the game you will be confronted by this in your dialogue with you companions. They will ask you what you think about it and what you prefer. This means that alongside folding out your personality through conversation and what you choose to say, you define or choose not to define your characters sexuality.

DA hunkThere is little prejudice amongst the NPCs as well. Both flirting and brothels are open for all genders. If you’re not a character’s preferred gender you just won’t get the romance option in you dialogues.
As for gender equality there is a noticeable difference when playing female. NPCs will randomly flirt with you or call you belittling nicknames such as sweety or missy. You then have the option of being offended, shrug it off or pick a fight with them. You can even kill them if your argument gets heated (and you’re that kind of character).

In addition there are plenty  strong female characters and companions and there are a very balanced amount of sexualised males and females (prostitutes and other sex positive characters).
Dragon Age: Inquisition stands out of the three. Not only is it the newest and most fancy, but it also has a transgendered character.  Krem is a human transman working for a qunari mercenary band. The qunari is a third race which you encounter throughout the games and can play as in Inquisition.

tumblr_ng3530MLTJ1qc9j6ho1_r1_500They are an interesting culture indeed and the one farthest from humans, the others being dwarfs and elves. Qunari is driven by duty and therefore rate all personal traits a secondary. It is true that they have rules that say men and women have different roles in their society. This is because they truly believe that the two genders have different strengths. There are rare exceptions where a male can be a farmer or a female can join the army, but then she is considered a male. Since gender is secondary they don’t have such strict personal gender roles. They don’t have the specific way to have a female or male personality because individual personality is not important. They are driven by duty and sees their society as a whole being. It is not surprising that they have a good way to deal with transgender. The aqun-athlok are transgendered and accepted. Just as Krem is accepted by the qunari, do they accept their own trans people and see them as their rightful gender.

“They are real men, just like you and I”

-Iron Bull

A reason the developers Bioware put a lot of effort in to Krem is that in the previous game, DA2 they made a really bad comic relief of a character named Serendipity. She is a drag queen and not a very good or respectful portrayal at that. Realising their mistake Bioware stepped up their game. Way to go Bioware.


Availability:
Yes, you can buy Origins on Steam and all of them on Origin.
Outdated/Newer editions?: Inquisition is the newest and although Origins came out in 2009, but is far from outdated.
Full price: Origins: 20 €/ 9 € (I made a fool of myself by not checking Origin’s price before buying it on Steam) , DA2: 9 €, Inquisition: 65 € (outrageous)
Gayness: 7/10 +1 for Krem in Dragon Age Inquisition.
Awesomeness:  10/10

 

The Sims

The Sims is a little bit different. It’s not the same kind of adventure or action game as I have previously mentioned and it speaks to a different crowd. I know there is some overlap from the “regular” gaming crowd over to “The Sims” crowd, but generally The Sims series is directed to children (mainly girls) from about 8 to 16. If you’re not familiar with The Sims you can nevertheless probably decipher that it is a simulation game. You control from one up to 6 sims and live their lives for them. Everything form going to work to whohooing (yes, that is what sex is called in the game) is you job to guide them through.

There are so far four different The Sims games and a whole nightmare of expansion packs. It is EA we’re talking about and they sure know who to milk that cow dry. You could call The Sims a play to win game although there is nothing to win. The first two The Sims games was tolerable to play without using double or triple the cost of the original game on expansion packs. The Sims 3 and 4 is a different story, especially considering there are features in game you can only use if you pay with “sim points” (which you have to buy with real money). Yeah, we all know where this is going.

Over to what we’re here for. What I really loved abo5bv7tiut The Sims when I started playing it as a little girl was that I didn’t have to play the old “mommy, daddy, baby” family. I had the opportunity to play anyone and they could be as weird as I wanted them to be. The Sims does not define romancing and flirting to genders. As long as they are both adults, they can flirt and wohoo with anyone. Even aliens! If you are a man and a woman she can get pregnant and if you are the same sex or single you can adopt. Men can only be impregnated by aliens.

Divorce(Breakup)Although The Sims is open minded like that it is still an American game for young people. Polygamy, or even having sexual relations (read: being flirtatious or simply make a snarky comment) to two or more different people at the same time is impossible. If so you have to sneak around and if another person you are flirting with sees you they take it as cheating and gets furious. I find that to be an unhealthy lesson to teach children. I don’t think that although you have had sex with someone you can’t flirt with anyone else. Have  you ever heard of one night stands or just not wanting to be monogamous? Apparently not…

 

 Availability: The Sims 1 and 2 have been removed from the marked. I find this incredibly weird since I, after having tried all of them still thinks The Sims 2 is the best one. The Sims 3 and 4 are available on Origin, along with their bigass trail of expansion pack. I mean there are up till now 11 different expansion packs to The Sims 3 already.
Outdated/Newer editions?: The Sims 4 is the newest one, but The Sims  2 isn’t outdated. The only one which is really outdated is The Sims 1.
Full price: The Sims 3: 27€,  The Sims 3 Expansion packs: 16-27€, The Sims 4: 65€, The Sims 4 Expansion packs: 8.5-32€
Gayness: 6/10
Awesomeness: My younger self would strongly disagree with this scoring, but I am scoring it as how fun I think it is today. 5/10 ÷1 for weird American dating standards, ÷1 For pay to win/have fun.

 

 

 Mass Effect

Mass-Effect-3Mass Effect is a sci-fi, third person shooter, action and roleplaying game. It is yet another good game from Bioware.

In the majority of the game you follow Commander Shepherd through outer space. Shepherd is the main character over the three main games, but there is a newly realised fourth game who will follow a new set of characters.

Shepherd can be both a human male and female and you have  choise of about three or four general background and origins. As Bioware games goes this is also somewhat focused on roleplaying and the choices you make in conversations will affect the game.

Greenshot_2012-03-23_22-04-511 I haven’t played more that the demo, hence not been able to experience the roleplaying part myself, but throughout the let’s plays and other videos I’ve watched the conversations seems fluid and interesting enough. Of course you have the romance option and it’s just as graphic as other Bioware games. At the same time it seems very romantic and genuine. Regardless of what race or gender your Shepherd prefers there are no stereotyping or superficial characters. Shepherd has the same personality as both male and female, quite strong and masculine. That does not mean that the partners have to be soft. The different partners are just as diverse and complex as they would be in real life.

Overall a fun a intricate game with great story and fun fun action fightey time.


Availability:
The first two can be bought on Steam and all three can be found in Origin.
Outdated/Newer editions?: Mass Effect 3 is the newest one and the fourth is under way.
Full price: 1: 8€, 2: 20€ + free demo on Steam and 8€ on Origin, 3: 8€. In addition you can get the triology on Origin for 32.5€
Gayness: The romance is very realistic and doesn’t really discriminate or change dramatically with different sexualities. Very good and realistic protrayal.  8/10
Awesomeness: I haven’t played this game further than the demo so I couldn’t really say, but it looks good.

 

Succulent and Hurt Me Plenty

smileTwo games from Robert Yang. These are not your typical RPG game, but rather curious mini games. They are very short and only contain one scene. In Succulent your sucking a popsickle. That’s it. You move the popsickle back and forth while two copies of the character is rubbing themselves in the back.

I think Hurt Me Plenty is more interesting due to the fact that it actually portrays a realistic BDSM spanking scene. You start with shaking hands and discussing terms for the scene. Then you decide a  safe word and the spanking can begin. It is really hard not to spank tohqdefault (1)o hard when you play with a mouse pad so I unfortunately violated my partners limits. Therefore the game says that he doesn’t trust me and won’t agree to play before a week has passed. Then you literally can’t play the game in a seven days.  A simple but good way to teach safety and respect in BDSM.

 

 Availability: Both can be found at  http://radiatoryang.itch.io
Outdated/Newer editions?: There are plenty of similar games from Robert Yang some involving auto sexuality, a stick shift, a chandelier and dick picks. Tread with caution.
Full price: Free or whatever you decide to donate.
Gayness: 10/10 or 0/10 I can’t figure it out.
Awesomeness: As gaming goes I would give it a 1/10, but if you see it from an artistic perspective it’s quite awesome.

 

♦Honourable mentions♦

Bethesda (The Elder Scrolls + Fallout)

When it comes to LGBTQ in gaming Bethesda is like Biowares little brother. They’re trying to be supportive and realistic by letting you mostly choose you sexuality in games like The Elder Scrolls and Fallout, but doesn’t quite hit the mark elsewhere.

 

Grand Theft Auto: The Ballade of Gay Tony

In the extremely inappropriate world we all know and love, Grand Theft Auto splashes a little rainbow in this add on. Your are Tony is gay and you’re his bodyguard. Not much more to say about that.

 

Coming out on top

elvPbUeThis is a fairly new game and not very wide spread yet. It is important to mention though since visual novel games have taken the leap from Asia to the West and rapidly become very popular. This is the first ever English speaking gay visual novel. It’s fun, clever and at times very steamy. A regular visual novel with hot guys and big dicks.

 

Final Fantasy XIV

After fourteen games Final Fantasy finally included the possibility of being gay and having gay NPC’s. Congratulations…

“Why should there be restrictions on who pledges their love or friendship to each other?”
-producer Naoki Yoshida.

 

Mario

birdo boySpecifically Super Mario Bros. 2 who was way ahead of everyone else. In 1988 Nintendo realised this game for the NES with the character Birdo. He is described as a boy who thinks he’s  a girl and wants to be called Birdetta. There have since been lots of confusion around this character because after mentioning this in the manual to Mario Bros. 2, they have neglected to do so in later games. In newer time s/he has been referred to as Yoshi’s girlfriend which either means that Yoshi is gay or that she has undergone a full transformation. At least that what I like to think.

 

 

 

A lot of kids today use big amount of their free time in these imaginary video game worlds. They learn English, history, logic and other basic subjects from video games and it was about time the gaming industry understood what a big impact they have. If we want our future to be any more accepting of these basic human rights (such as love) we need to normalise being gay and get people to understand that it’s not something alien or dangerous. Normalizing it in what kids watch and do for fun is a good start. Cartoon and video game characters that are diverse and queer without being weird or abnormal plays and important part of our kids’ understanding and acceptance of people even though they are a tad bit different for themselves.

 

Do you agree with my list? Is there something missing? Leave a comment and enlighten me if you will.

 

Happy gaming! ❤

 

 BR2r738

Fake Gamer Girl

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Ever since I discovered Heroes of Might and Magic III on my families old box computer as a little girl, I’ve searched for the perfect game I could dedicate my life to (not literally). I’ve fought my way through Age of Empires, Settlers and all the other old strategy games, swam through the depths of The Sims 2, 3 and 4, starved in Don’t starve, ruined people’s lives in Sims City and Cities Skylines and cursed my way through League of Legends, yet here I sit with a not very impressive steam account.

Still, I feel like I’m closing in. Recently I’ve been sucked in to the world of Arun in the MMORPG TERA. I had no idea I was an MMO kind of girl, but we all have dark sides. Steam said I have clocked a little over a houndred hours so far, but to be fair I have let the game run some while I’ve taken a shower, made dinner etc.

My 2nd character, the gunner Frei

My 2nd character, the gunner Frei

For some reason I really like TERA and I find it kind of weird since I am not very fond of neither online games or FPS battle systems. I am actually surprised I ever wanted to try such a game. Although this is the game I play the most, alongside Lol, it isn’t the game I am looking for (get it?)

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Where is the nice adventure game which has the beauty of Skyrim, the battle system of League, an interesting lore and where I am not disturbed by 12 year old boys who pull my ponytail (and with that I mean verbally harass me from here to the seventh hell). My gamer skills aren’t that high and I’m a very emotional gamer. I am easily scared and I don’t like zombies (/gouhls/undeads/necromancy etc). The Elderscrolls games and those alike them could be ideal if it were not for the scary dungeons filled with undeads and mega spiders.

Perhaps there is no such game. Perhaps I am destined to game second choice games forever. Oh, how did I fall in such bad luck. #firstworldproblems.

Fryd, my first love. The clothing is REDUNCULOUS

Fryd, my first TERA love. The clothing is REDUNCULOUS

My abandoned child, Jerv

My abandoned TERA child, Jerv

“Curvy Girls”

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I’m not a skinny girl. I wouldn’t say that I am obese in any way and although I feel my body is quite normal, I don’t fit societies “regular” size. If someone where to put my body type in a box, it would probably say “curvy girl”.

Now, the term “curvy girl” is very disputed. Urban Dictionary’s definition is “Fancy word for being fat but are pretty girls all the same. Nice tits that attract every guy at some point”. I am not going to mention the bad grammar or the heteronormativ, sjovenistic bullshit of that sentence. When I google search it the top results are everything from this:

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to this

large          &              gabi-fresh_400x295_11

Clearly no one really agrees on what curvy girl means. There is one thing we can be agree on though. Curvy girl is every body that does not fit size “regular”. The bodies you see above are apparently not regular bodies (please ignore the fact that they are photoshoped. Hard to find pictures that aren’t these days).

Why I was thinking about this today was that I have done some online shopping. Every time I encounter the term “one size, regular” I just close the window, no matter how damn cute the outfit was. Have you ever thought about how the size “medium” fits very few? (No hate to you beautiful people out there that use M, you lucky bastards). I used medium when i was 13. After puberty I could kiss that size goodbye. Medium is supposed to represent the median of the people. Don’t tell me that size 36/38 is the majority. Every time I shop I am told that I am large. In some shops I am even told that I am extra large. At my 159 cm I don’t feel very amazon like. That means that every time I shop I get a little tickle of a stab in my confidence (not that it is overflowing as it is). Because large is bad. Every woman knows it somewhere in her subconsciousness.

I am fighting very hard to not hate everything I see in the mirror. I have over the past years steadily gained weight as a result of PTSD and other fun mental issues. I am fighting with beak and claws to see my body type as beautiful. I know it is, but I have to slap myself right in the subconscious to see it and even then I am not totally convinced. I wish that someone would sincerely say that flabs can beautiful too. I want to see models that look like me on the big fashion billboards (you know just a lot taller and model like). I have seen enough Upworthy and Buzzfeed articles about how big is beautiful too, but it is apparently not beautiful enough for the public eye.

We are struggling with the massive pressure on weight and beauty here. Can someone at least throw us a rope or something?

Bonus pictures of me feeling DAMNED HOT.

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Favorite dress!!!

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I am one handsome motherfucker