Pain

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Psychological issues causes just as much pain as other injuries does, sometimes even more. When your pain isn’t visible it suddenly gets a whole bunch of new aspects. One of which is that people doubt your pain or belittle it, sometimes so much that you believe them and start doubting yourself. An other one is that it is so much harder to cure and going to a doctor and try to explain can be near impossible. There is one aspect though, that hurts more than anything else: My pain causes everyone I care about pain.

If someone you care about is having a depression or a panic attack one of the worst things you can do is project their emotions onto yourself. I remember a period when my panic attacks were really bad and there was a situation where someone close to me started  crying because of my pain. Apocalypse. On top of my panic, self loathing and fear I got  to blame myself for the pain I caused others. I don’t think I have ever felt so strong self hate like the one I get from hurting my loved ones.

The apocalypse develops into a full blown zombie apocalypse when you realise that you keep others form showing their emotions. It becomes a messy chaos ball of zombie apocalypse when you don’t want to hurt them by being sad and they don’t want to hurt you by showing they are sad about you being sad and wkgaoæsfgjaoeig. It feels impossible.

Sometimes it feels like I should just run away. Hide somewhere so they could get me and my problems off their shoulders. I know it’s the depression talking, but the feeling is nevertheless very real.

I don’t have an answer, I wish I did. Life is hard. Go eat a potato.

 

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