Pain

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Psychological issues causes just as much pain as other injuries does, sometimes even more. When your pain isn’t visible it suddenly gets a whole bunch of new aspects. One of which is that people doubt your pain or belittle it, sometimes so much that you believe them and start doubting yourself. An other one is that it is so much harder to cure and going to a doctor and try to explain can be near impossible. There is one aspect though, that hurts more than anything else: My pain causes everyone I care about pain.

If someone you care about is having a depression or a panic attack one of the worst things you can do is project their emotions onto yourself. I remember a period when my panic attacks were really bad and there was a situation where someone close to me started  crying because of my pain. Apocalypse. On top of my panic, self loathing and fear I got  to blame myself for the pain I caused others. I don’t think I have ever felt so strong self hate like the one I get from hurting my loved ones.

The apocalypse develops into a full blown zombie apocalypse when you realise that you keep others form showing their emotions. It becomes a messy chaos ball of zombie apocalypse when you don’t want to hurt them by being sad and they don’t want to hurt you by showing they are sad about you being sad and wkgaoæsfgjaoeig. It feels impossible.

Sometimes it feels like I should just run away. Hide somewhere so they could get me and my problems off their shoulders. I know it’s the depression talking, but the feeling is nevertheless very real.

I don’t have an answer, I wish I did. Life is hard. Go eat a potato.

 

Queer Gaming Guide

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When we play video games it’s common that we want some kind of portrayal of ourselves in an epic story fighting monsters or solving important quests. At least we would want to be able to relate to the characters in one way or another. For a long time the most common main characters in gaming has been heterosexual white males with the occasional big breasted teenage girls. News flash! Not all gamers are ripped, white, adult, or heterosexual.

 

It is true that we have come a long way since Infocom portrayed the first gay video game character in Moonmist in ’86. Since then we have both had awful comical parodies of queer people and good realistically portrayals of normal people who happens to be gay. I would go as far as to say that we are in a truly revolutionary time regarding gaming and that gay characters no longer is a comical shtick.

In relation to some game testing I’ve been doing for the Norwegian LGBTQ-centre, I researched some LGBTQ positive games and made a little list for you all to enjoy, so you’ll know what game to play next.

I had some basic questions I was supposed to answer and in addition I’ll give a general review based upon my own experience. That said, I have not played all the games I want to mention (my reason: zombies and gaming preferences), but I’ll do my best. So without further ado:

 

                 The big gay gaming guide!

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The Last of us: Left Behind

The Last of us is a third person survival/horror game about ZOMBIES. Yeah, I’m out. Buuut I did some digging and watched some let’s plays and discovered that behind  all the growling, human eating monsters, there’s a really beautiful game. You fight, run and try to survive in a post-apocalyptic world where humans have been infected by a mutated strain of the Cordyceps fungus. The main character of the main game is Joel, who is escorting young Ellie across the United States.

Now to the interesting part. After a very successful game realise, the developers Naughty Dog, made a downloadable expansion focusing on Ellie’s back story and a prologue to the game. The Last of us: Left Behind follows Ellie and her relationship with her childhood friend Riley.

“Left Behind shows just what it’s like [to be a teenage girl] , post-apocalyptic military state and deadly fungal outbreak notwithstanding. It’s unbearably intense, confusing, frustrating and conflicted – much like being a teenage boy, I’d presume.”
– Keza McDonald, IGN.com
(http://www.ign.com/articles/2014/02/19/the-significance-of-the-last-of-us-left-behind)

ellie_riley_kiss_by_silverfannumberone-d774ozuAs you may have already understood Ellie and Riley are trying to figure out their feelings for each other. We don’t know what their sexuality is, not even after Ellie kisses Riley in a moment of passion. It’s probable that they don’t even know themselves. The only thing we can be certain of is that they are two people who love each other deeply. For all people who are or have been teenagers, queer or straight, this is a story you can relate to. We all remember the intensity and awkwardness when we truly felt we loved someone as teenagers be it romantically or as a close friend.

With the following comic book, The Last of us: American Dreams as well, this isn’t just some video game anymore. It is a living story that could just as easily have been a book. I think that sometimes in all the action, we forget what a powerful medium video games can be. We are not presented with a story as a passive part. In this growing relationship between the two young girls you are one half of it. What better way to be told a story than to experience it first hand?

 Availability: This game is strictly PS3/4 and can be bought in different game shops and online.
Outdated/Newer editions?: They are teasing with a Last of us 2, but the director has said the chances are 50/50
Full price: 17 € at Amazon
Gayness: The original game can go home but Left behind can get a nice 7/10
Awesomeness: It looks really cool, but I haven’t played it.

 

Dragon Age

I recently started playing Dragon Age: Origins and I am almost frighteningly hooked already. Origins is the first in a series of, so far, three games: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2 and Dragon Age: Inquisition.  Although I have currently only played the one I will do a general overview of the series (cause’ it’s awesome!).

All the games have a lot of similarities. They are action adventure games set in the same fantasy world with stories that builds on top of each other and reference the previous games.

 

My elven warrior Eir, currently dating the human bard Leilanna.

My elven warrior Eir, currently dating the human bard Leilanna.

The first thing you do is pick a character. In both origins and inquisition you pick your race as well as gender and class, but for the sake of the story in DA2 you can only play human. Still you pick gender and class which will impact your story and how the other characters and NPCs interacts with you.

One of the reasons I really enjoy this game series is the heavy focus on roleplaying alongside  quests and fighting baddies. You will pick up companions along the way and develop different relationship and sometimes romances with them. In origins there are four main companions you’ll get early on, two males and two females. Regardless of what gender, race and class you play you can always develop romances with three out of four. The first two companions are straight, while the two last are bisexual. Throughout the game you will be confronted by this in your dialogue with you companions. They will ask you what you think about it and what you prefer. This means that alongside folding out your personality through conversation and what you choose to say, you define or choose not to define your characters sexuality.

DA hunkThere is little prejudice amongst the NPCs as well. Both flirting and brothels are open for all genders. If you’re not a character’s preferred gender you just won’t get the romance option in you dialogues.
As for gender equality there is a noticeable difference when playing female. NPCs will randomly flirt with you or call you belittling nicknames such as sweety or missy. You then have the option of being offended, shrug it off or pick a fight with them. You can even kill them if your argument gets heated (and you’re that kind of character).

In addition there are plenty  strong female characters and companions and there are a very balanced amount of sexualised males and females (prostitutes and other sex positive characters).
Dragon Age: Inquisition stands out of the three. Not only is it the newest and most fancy, but it also has a transgendered character.  Krem is a human transman working for a qunari mercenary band. The qunari is a third race which you encounter throughout the games and can play as in Inquisition.

tumblr_ng3530MLTJ1qc9j6ho1_r1_500They are an interesting culture indeed and the one farthest from humans, the others being dwarfs and elves. Qunari is driven by duty and therefore rate all personal traits a secondary. It is true that they have rules that say men and women have different roles in their society. This is because they truly believe that the two genders have different strengths. There are rare exceptions where a male can be a farmer or a female can join the army, but then she is considered a male. Since gender is secondary they don’t have such strict personal gender roles. They don’t have the specific way to have a female or male personality because individual personality is not important. They are driven by duty and sees their society as a whole being. It is not surprising that they have a good way to deal with transgender. The aqun-athlok are transgendered and accepted. Just as Krem is accepted by the qunari, do they accept their own trans people and see them as their rightful gender.

“They are real men, just like you and I”

-Iron Bull

A reason the developers Bioware put a lot of effort in to Krem is that in the previous game, DA2 they made a really bad comic relief of a character named Serendipity. She is a drag queen and not a very good or respectful portrayal at that. Realising their mistake Bioware stepped up their game. Way to go Bioware.


Availability:
Yes, you can buy Origins on Steam and all of them on Origin.
Outdated/Newer editions?: Inquisition is the newest and although Origins came out in 2009, but is far from outdated.
Full price: Origins: 20 €/ 9 € (I made a fool of myself by not checking Origin’s price before buying it on Steam) , DA2: 9 €, Inquisition: 65 € (outrageous)
Gayness: 7/10 +1 for Krem in Dragon Age Inquisition.
Awesomeness:  10/10

 

The Sims

The Sims is a little bit different. It’s not the same kind of adventure or action game as I have previously mentioned and it speaks to a different crowd. I know there is some overlap from the “regular” gaming crowd over to “The Sims” crowd, but generally The Sims series is directed to children (mainly girls) from about 8 to 16. If you’re not familiar with The Sims you can nevertheless probably decipher that it is a simulation game. You control from one up to 6 sims and live their lives for them. Everything form going to work to whohooing (yes, that is what sex is called in the game) is you job to guide them through.

There are so far four different The Sims games and a whole nightmare of expansion packs. It is EA we’re talking about and they sure know who to milk that cow dry. You could call The Sims a play to win game although there is nothing to win. The first two The Sims games was tolerable to play without using double or triple the cost of the original game on expansion packs. The Sims 3 and 4 is a different story, especially considering there are features in game you can only use if you pay with “sim points” (which you have to buy with real money). Yeah, we all know where this is going.

Over to what we’re here for. What I really loved abo5bv7tiut The Sims when I started playing it as a little girl was that I didn’t have to play the old “mommy, daddy, baby” family. I had the opportunity to play anyone and they could be as weird as I wanted them to be. The Sims does not define romancing and flirting to genders. As long as they are both adults, they can flirt and wohoo with anyone. Even aliens! If you are a man and a woman she can get pregnant and if you are the same sex or single you can adopt. Men can only be impregnated by aliens.

Divorce(Breakup)Although The Sims is open minded like that it is still an American game for young people. Polygamy, or even having sexual relations (read: being flirtatious or simply make a snarky comment) to two or more different people at the same time is impossible. If so you have to sneak around and if another person you are flirting with sees you they take it as cheating and gets furious. I find that to be an unhealthy lesson to teach children. I don’t think that although you have had sex with someone you can’t flirt with anyone else. Have  you ever heard of one night stands or just not wanting to be monogamous? Apparently not…

 

 Availability: The Sims 1 and 2 have been removed from the marked. I find this incredibly weird since I, after having tried all of them still thinks The Sims 2 is the best one. The Sims 3 and 4 are available on Origin, along with their bigass trail of expansion pack. I mean there are up till now 11 different expansion packs to The Sims 3 already.
Outdated/Newer editions?: The Sims 4 is the newest one, but The Sims  2 isn’t outdated. The only one which is really outdated is The Sims 1.
Full price: The Sims 3: 27€,  The Sims 3 Expansion packs: 16-27€, The Sims 4: 65€, The Sims 4 Expansion packs: 8.5-32€
Gayness: 6/10
Awesomeness: My younger self would strongly disagree with this scoring, but I am scoring it as how fun I think it is today. 5/10 ÷1 for weird American dating standards, ÷1 For pay to win/have fun.

 

 

 Mass Effect

Mass-Effect-3Mass Effect is a sci-fi, third person shooter, action and roleplaying game. It is yet another good game from Bioware.

In the majority of the game you follow Commander Shepherd through outer space. Shepherd is the main character over the three main games, but there is a newly realised fourth game who will follow a new set of characters.

Shepherd can be both a human male and female and you have  choise of about three or four general background and origins. As Bioware games goes this is also somewhat focused on roleplaying and the choices you make in conversations will affect the game.

Greenshot_2012-03-23_22-04-511 I haven’t played more that the demo, hence not been able to experience the roleplaying part myself, but throughout the let’s plays and other videos I’ve watched the conversations seems fluid and interesting enough. Of course you have the romance option and it’s just as graphic as other Bioware games. At the same time it seems very romantic and genuine. Regardless of what race or gender your Shepherd prefers there are no stereotyping or superficial characters. Shepherd has the same personality as both male and female, quite strong and masculine. That does not mean that the partners have to be soft. The different partners are just as diverse and complex as they would be in real life.

Overall a fun a intricate game with great story and fun fun action fightey time.


Availability:
The first two can be bought on Steam and all three can be found in Origin.
Outdated/Newer editions?: Mass Effect 3 is the newest one and the fourth is under way.
Full price: 1: 8€, 2: 20€ + free demo on Steam and 8€ on Origin, 3: 8€. In addition you can get the triology on Origin for 32.5€
Gayness: The romance is very realistic and doesn’t really discriminate or change dramatically with different sexualities. Very good and realistic protrayal.  8/10
Awesomeness: I haven’t played this game further than the demo so I couldn’t really say, but it looks good.

 

Succulent and Hurt Me Plenty

smileTwo games from Robert Yang. These are not your typical RPG game, but rather curious mini games. They are very short and only contain one scene. In Succulent your sucking a popsickle. That’s it. You move the popsickle back and forth while two copies of the character is rubbing themselves in the back.

I think Hurt Me Plenty is more interesting due to the fact that it actually portrays a realistic BDSM spanking scene. You start with shaking hands and discussing terms for the scene. Then you decide a  safe word and the spanking can begin. It is really hard not to spank tohqdefault (1)o hard when you play with a mouse pad so I unfortunately violated my partners limits. Therefore the game says that he doesn’t trust me and won’t agree to play before a week has passed. Then you literally can’t play the game in a seven days.  A simple but good way to teach safety and respect in BDSM.

 

 Availability: Both can be found at  http://radiatoryang.itch.io
Outdated/Newer editions?: There are plenty of similar games from Robert Yang some involving auto sexuality, a stick shift, a chandelier and dick picks. Tread with caution.
Full price: Free or whatever you decide to donate.
Gayness: 10/10 or 0/10 I can’t figure it out.
Awesomeness: As gaming goes I would give it a 1/10, but if you see it from an artistic perspective it’s quite awesome.

 

♦Honourable mentions♦

Bethesda (The Elder Scrolls + Fallout)

When it comes to LGBTQ in gaming Bethesda is like Biowares little brother. They’re trying to be supportive and realistic by letting you mostly choose you sexuality in games like The Elder Scrolls and Fallout, but doesn’t quite hit the mark elsewhere.

 

Grand Theft Auto: The Ballade of Gay Tony

In the extremely inappropriate world we all know and love, Grand Theft Auto splashes a little rainbow in this add on. Your are Tony is gay and you’re his bodyguard. Not much more to say about that.

 

Coming out on top

elvPbUeThis is a fairly new game and not very wide spread yet. It is important to mention though since visual novel games have taken the leap from Asia to the West and rapidly become very popular. This is the first ever English speaking gay visual novel. It’s fun, clever and at times very steamy. A regular visual novel with hot guys and big dicks.

 

Final Fantasy XIV

After fourteen games Final Fantasy finally included the possibility of being gay and having gay NPC’s. Congratulations…

“Why should there be restrictions on who pledges their love or friendship to each other?”
-producer Naoki Yoshida.

 

Mario

birdo boySpecifically Super Mario Bros. 2 who was way ahead of everyone else. In 1988 Nintendo realised this game for the NES with the character Birdo. He is described as a boy who thinks he’s  a girl and wants to be called Birdetta. There have since been lots of confusion around this character because after mentioning this in the manual to Mario Bros. 2, they have neglected to do so in later games. In newer time s/he has been referred to as Yoshi’s girlfriend which either means that Yoshi is gay or that she has undergone a full transformation. At least that what I like to think.

 

 

 

A lot of kids today use big amount of their free time in these imaginary video game worlds. They learn English, history, logic and other basic subjects from video games and it was about time the gaming industry understood what a big impact they have. If we want our future to be any more accepting of these basic human rights (such as love) we need to normalise being gay and get people to understand that it’s not something alien or dangerous. Normalizing it in what kids watch and do for fun is a good start. Cartoon and video game characters that are diverse and queer without being weird or abnormal plays and important part of our kids’ understanding and acceptance of people even though they are a tad bit different for themselves.

 

Do you agree with my list? Is there something missing? Leave a comment and enlighten me if you will.

 

Happy gaming! ❤

 

 BR2r738

“Curvy Girls”

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I’m not a skinny girl. I wouldn’t say that I am obese in any way and although I feel my body is quite normal, I don’t fit societies “regular” size. If someone where to put my body type in a box, it would probably say “curvy girl”.

Now, the term “curvy girl” is very disputed. Urban Dictionary’s definition is “Fancy word for being fat but are pretty girls all the same. Nice tits that attract every guy at some point”. I am not going to mention the bad grammar or the heteronormativ, sjovenistic bullshit of that sentence. When I google search it the top results are everything from this:

V324377_RC661                       &                            nti-buxom-model-01-web

to this

large          &              gabi-fresh_400x295_11

Clearly no one really agrees on what curvy girl means. There is one thing we can be agree on though. Curvy girl is every body that does not fit size “regular”. The bodies you see above are apparently not regular bodies (please ignore the fact that they are photoshoped. Hard to find pictures that aren’t these days).

Why I was thinking about this today was that I have done some online shopping. Every time I encounter the term “one size, regular” I just close the window, no matter how damn cute the outfit was. Have you ever thought about how the size “medium” fits very few? (No hate to you beautiful people out there that use M, you lucky bastards). I used medium when i was 13. After puberty I could kiss that size goodbye. Medium is supposed to represent the median of the people. Don’t tell me that size 36/38 is the majority. Every time I shop I am told that I am large. In some shops I am even told that I am extra large. At my 159 cm I don’t feel very amazon like. That means that every time I shop I get a little tickle of a stab in my confidence (not that it is overflowing as it is). Because large is bad. Every woman knows it somewhere in her subconsciousness.

I am fighting very hard to not hate everything I see in the mirror. I have over the past years steadily gained weight as a result of PTSD and other fun mental issues. I am fighting with beak and claws to see my body type as beautiful. I know it is, but I have to slap myself right in the subconscious to see it and even then I am not totally convinced. I wish that someone would sincerely say that flabs can beautiful too. I want to see models that look like me on the big fashion billboards (you know just a lot taller and model like). I have seen enough Upworthy and Buzzfeed articles about how big is beautiful too, but it is apparently not beautiful enough for the public eye.

We are struggling with the massive pressure on weight and beauty here. Can someone at least throw us a rope or something?

Bonus pictures of me feeling DAMNED HOT.

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Favorite dress!!!

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I am one handsome motherfucker

Part of the System

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I don’t have a job.

I had a job, but not anymore and thats old new.

I am not studying.

I was studying, but not anymore and that is also old new.

I live in the welfare state of Denmark and since i am under 25 with no work or studies I am entiteled to a whole lo of care. What I get is called “kontantstøtte”. It is a weekly sum given to people who in some way cannot work or study. To get this payment you have to attend a program. It is an exellent program called CBK, center for bridge-building and competance and is supposed to build a bridge between you and you fruture education. But it is also very generalized and it seems like thay want everyone to fit in to boxes. I think it works most of the time.

For me this arrangments are awful. I should never hav been in this particular system to begin with. I should have some kind of disability pension or “uføretryg”.

Because I am sick.

I have not yet found a psycologist who have manage to give me the therapy that I have needed so I do not have a concrete diagnose. I am working on that. I have a nice soup of anxiety, posttraumatic stress and depression. Thats atleast the best i can describe it whithout taking three hours of your life.

The system doesen’t like people like me. We are not concrete and hard to understand. Sometimes I wish I hade some curable disease or a lot of broken bones instead. Then i at least would have got the care and support that I need from this beautiful welfare system of ours…

I should have tha care of someone who just hasn’t figured out life or flunked in school. i should get the same support as someone with a broken back or a disease. I’m not lazy or uncertan, I am sick.

This is an awful system for me. It always assumes the worst and they are very harsh. Every time i get a mail from them saying I did something wrong, which I have gotten a lot of, I get panic attacks, even though I did nothing wrong and someone just made a mistake. You see, they do that a lot, forget to wirte down I attended or fail to inform that I was excused from a class. It’s making me mad and it’s making me worse.

The reason i don’t have disability support is beacuse that is a program that is imposible to get in to. Which is ironic because the people who needs this supports are, you know, sick and therefore hasn’t got tha same energy and capacity to convince strickt caseworkers that you need this help. “But what if you’re just piggybacking and trying to trick us?” Goddamnit.

I really thought that the system was made to take care of me, but it is making me sicker than i have been in a long time. I don’t dare to go to the classes anymore and I’m more and more isolated. I’m so sick and tired of the “welfare”system and they can’t even manage to give me therapy, that i have been waiting for for over four years…

middle finger animated GIF

Weddings

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Bilde5

In the last month I have tripled the amount of weddings I have attended. The last four weekends = four weddings, and I ain’t even complaining. Well, I am lying a bit. There were actually three weddings, where one of which where held over two different weekends. They were all very beautiful, but that is (mainly) not what I am going to talk about. Oh no, we have a serious matter at hand: Danish wedding traditions.

The Danes have mostly the same traditions as the rest of Scandinavia, but it seems like they didn’t think it was enough, so they added some of their own. Since I have been to two Danish weddings and one Norwegian during the last month, I have gotten to study this more closely.

I really don’t know where to begin. There are so much craziness going on at these weddings.

Bilde7

Wedding 2.0

We get to the venue of the wedding dinner and party and everything seems normal. There’s a couple of speeches and the usual awkward specially written songs. Suddenly someone starts tapping their glasses and plates with their cutlery. I know this one, it means the newlyweds have to kiss. And they do and everyone cheer. But then they start making other noises and the couple have to crawl under the table and up on the chairs. I don’t even… Don’t they know how awful it is moving in a corset and crinoline? It’s torture! Let alone crawl around?! What is this sadism on the poor bride?!

The Danes are apparently very fond of kissing. At one point I was told that I had to go up to the groom and kiss him, although I have met him once before in my life and he is a complete stranger to me. Not to mention that he got married today. This was the most awkward tradition. The tradition is that whenever one of the couple leave the room, the rest of the party is supposed to kiss the person still sitting at the table.

I survived the dinner with just a few embarrassments. Then there were time for the bridal waltz! I have always thought this was such a romantic moment. And it was.. until the party surrounded the couple so they couldn’t move, then they picked the groom of the floor, ripped of his shoes and cut his socks. Yeah, you heard me, they ruined the probably quite expensive and probably brand new socks. Why, you ask me. I cannot find a reasonable answer. (Then again, the Danes aren’t known for being extremely logical.. just take a look at their number system). I did some research and it turns out that they are supposed to do the same with the bride’s veil. The more ripped up it is, the more happiness they get. Lucky for the them they didn’t wear a veil.

And then there are some traditions which I didn’t witness, but have later read about. I think it’s mainly old traditions though (or so I hope), because I would be pissed if this happened to me at my wedding: The couple have to sneak away from the party without anyone noticing so the groom’s friends won’t follow them. They also have to keep the wedding night venue a secret so the groom’s friends won’t find it. If they do they will ruin the room, spread bread crumbs over the bed and generally try to ruin the wedding night as much as possible. I guess the groom didn’t have such good friends back in the day.

This last one I am pretty sure is really old, because it would be looked upon as very kinky in modern age. You know there is always someone who plays the role of witnesses during a wedding? Well, their true purpose was to witness the wedding night so that they would know that the wedding was legally binding. Yeah, I would think that was pretty kinky to, but if you’re in to that kind of thing, who am I to judge?

 

But all jokes aside, I love traditions and it’s so beautiful to be witness (not that kind of witness) to this kind of celebration of love. Hooray!

Yeah, I preformed at my morthers seremony. So beautiful.

Yeah, I preformed at my morthers seremony. So beautiful.

Old Cat Lady

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Since I work evenings and don’t work fulltime yet I use a lot of time alone in our apartment. At the beginning it was nice having so much time to do what ever I want. After a while though one get kind of tired of tv-series and the same game over and over again. I believe I would have become a gameoholic if I hadn’t sucked so much at gaming. I have three games i circulate, but one is for children, the other only played by children and the third made when I was I child. I see a patern..

I tried reading books. It is no surprise that I love it, but I have a really hard time picking books. At the moment I am in love with Patrick Rothfuss and the Kingkiller Chronicles and have started reading the first book for the second time. I like generic fantasy, i shouldn’t be that hard, but I find it enormously difficult to start a new unknown book.

I’ve vacuumed the house, but I don’t dare to go down to the washing room in the cellar because I am convinced there is angels and silence down there (and yes i have began watching Doctor Who).

So I result in staring at the wall and listening to the neighbours. Not that I have a choice because we can hear everything, and I mean everything. And it is probably scientifically proven that staring at the wall for to long makes people go mad.

I have solved sudoku, stared out the window like an old lady, played solitare and done the dishes Allan where supposed to do, but the sad part is that I have a lot of important things to do. I could have taken my drivers licence, opened a Danish bank account, exercised and volunteered, but no.

I am going to get a cat. No, not just one, at least seven! They can be my furry best friends and I can listen to the neighbours and peek out the window without feeling wierd. Hah, I found my new purpouse in life!

Grow up

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I did similar posts on my previous blog (12, 3) but I may have changed views since I have now tried being a grown up for a month or two.

It’s fucking hard. Excuse my language but it is. Why didn’t anyone prepare me for this. I thought that as soon as I turned 18 I would understand. When realisation hit me and I felt no different from when I was 17 I hoped that at least with time it would get better. Still all the “encouragement” I get is the sentence “yeah, I know, we real grownups think it’s hard and really difficult too”. So you mean it doesn’t get better?! Snip dangit.

We were brainwashed as kids. When I was little I always wanted, as every child did, to be older. First I wanted to start school and then I wanted to be a teenager. When I was thirteen i wanted to be sixteen and when I was sixteen I wanted to be eighteen. I almost wish I stayed at age five longer.

I guess I haven’t change view on life since I wrote the last post. I still wish the book “Life for dummies” existed and that I could somehow hack life.

The job I mentioned I got? Yeah, well, I haven’t heard from them since before Christmas, and they don’t respond to my messages. It’s a major step back and the obligatory self disappointment comes with it. 

My brother and I at the day of my 18th birthday,

My brother and I at the day of my 18th birthday,