Pain

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Psychological issues causes just as much pain as other injuries does, sometimes even more. When your pain isn’t visible it suddenly gets a whole bunch of new aspects. One of which is that people doubt your pain or belittle it, sometimes so much that you believe them and start doubting yourself. An other one is that it is so much harder to cure and going to a doctor and try to explain can be near impossible. There is one aspect though, that hurts more than anything else: My pain causes everyone I care about pain.

If someone you care about is having a depression or a panic attack one of the worst things you can do is project their emotions onto yourself. I remember a period when my panic attacks were really bad and there was a situation where someone close to me started  crying because of my pain. Apocalypse. On top of my panic, self loathing and fear I got  to blame myself for the pain I caused others. I don’t think I have ever felt so strong self hate like the one I get from hurting my loved ones.

The apocalypse develops into a full blown zombie apocalypse when you realise that you keep others form showing their emotions. It becomes a messy chaos ball of zombie apocalypse when you don’t want to hurt them by being sad and they don’t want to hurt you by showing they are sad about you being sad and wkgaoæsfgjaoeig. It feels impossible.

Sometimes it feels like I should just run away. Hide somewhere so they could get me and my problems off their shoulders. I know it’s the depression talking, but the feeling is nevertheless very real.

I don’t have an answer, I wish I did. Life is hard. Go eat a potato.

 

Loneliness

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The public observer might say that my life is ok. Maybe not perfect, or even good, but ok. They would at least not think I am lonely.

In many ways I am not. I have a loving family and although they may live in another country, I see them fairly often. I am also blessed with an amazing partner, whom I live with. If not for him, I think I would experience happiness as often as a woman being catcalled actually appreciates it.

We’re a great team Allan and I. We have a lot of happiness and love despite the circumstances. I wish that I could give back as much as he gives me.

I hate that I am so dependent of him. I’m not only dependent because I love him or that I’m in love with him, but when he is not around I remember how sad I actually am. I go around with a big lump of sadness and despair in my belly, but when Allan is near it’s like he reaches around it and makes a soft layer of happiness and love to cover it up. Sometimes it completely forget that it’s there.

Then when he is gone he takes it with him. All I can feel is emptiness, sadness and loneliness. Even if I am not alone. There is a feeling of safety he gives me when he knows how messed up and awful I am, but loves me nonetheless

You know, I feel really guilty. He had a life before he met me and whenever he goes out to live that life, I’m home depressed and lonely. It’s like he has to put his life on hold for me and I hate it. I don’t want to hurt him or steal his life away, but I just don’t know what to do. I think I have tried almost everything to make myself happy, from gaming to baking, even embroidery! At least tv-shows and movies pacify me, but I don’t want to live a passive and apathetic life.

I feel stupid and sappy. I miss the real me. The confident and independent girl I once was. But someone took that away from me and now I need my angel to guard over me so I don’t burn out.