Part of the System

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I don’t have a job.

I had a job, but not anymore and thats old new.

I am not studying.

I was studying, but not anymore and that is also old new.

I live in the welfare state of Denmark and since i am under 25 with no work or studies I am entiteled to a whole lo of care. What I get is called “kontantstøtte”. It is a weekly sum given to people who in some way cannot work or study. To get this payment you have to attend a program. It is an exellent program called CBK, center for bridge-building and competance and is supposed to build a bridge between you and you fruture education. But it is also very generalized and it seems like thay want everyone to fit in to boxes. I think it works most of the time.

For me this arrangments are awful. I should never hav been in this particular system to begin with. I should have some kind of disability pension or “uføretryg”.

Because I am sick.

I have not yet found a psycologist who have manage to give me the therapy that I have needed so I do not have a concrete diagnose. I am working on that. I have a nice soup of anxiety, posttraumatic stress and depression. Thats atleast the best i can describe it whithout taking three hours of your life.

The system doesen’t like people like me. We are not concrete and hard to understand. Sometimes I wish I hade some curable disease or a lot of broken bones instead. Then i at least would have got the care and support that I need from this beautiful welfare system of ours…

I should have tha care of someone who just hasn’t figured out life or flunked in school. i should get the same support as someone with a broken back or a disease. I’m not lazy or uncertan, I am sick.

This is an awful system for me. It always assumes the worst and they are very harsh. Every time i get a mail from them saying I did something wrong, which I have gotten a lot of, I get panic attacks, even though I did nothing wrong and someone just made a mistake. You see, they do that a lot, forget to wirte down I attended or fail to inform that I was excused from a class. It’s making me mad and it’s making me worse.

The reason i don’t have disability support is beacuse that is a program that is imposible to get in to. Which is ironic because the people who needs this supports are, you know, sick and therefore hasn’t got tha same energy and capacity to convince strickt caseworkers that you need this help. “But what if you’re just piggybacking and trying to trick us?” Goddamnit.

I really thought that the system was made to take care of me, but it is making me sicker than i have been in a long time. I don’t dare to go to the classes anymore and I’m more and more isolated. I’m so sick and tired of the “welfare”system and they can’t even manage to give me therapy, that i have been waiting for for over four years…

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Interesting morning

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Mmmmorning… Oh my dawg! My head is spinning and my stomach apparently wants to get out through my mouth. Just great. The day of my first job interview in Denmark is of course the day I’m sick for the first time in forever. Just my luck. I thought I would faint when I brushed my teeth, but I discovered that it was the kitchen floor I was meeting today. After my faceplant in the kitchen I was just about to head to the interview when I got to see the half apple I had managed to eat, coming up again. That at least stilled the nausea until I got to the S-train. I stumbled my way to the interview and arrived just a couple of minutes late due to the fact that I had walked 10 minutes in the wrong direction first.

The interview was very pleasant. The guy I talked with was really nice and the cafe was lovely. I was a bit awkward though, but at least I smiled the whole time. He made me a really good latte and it was all in all a very terrifying and nice experience.

I really do hope I get the job, but I’m not so optimistic due to my young age and lack of experience. Nevertheless I’m heading back later this week so they can see how I work and so on. I’m excited and very nervous. I really hope I get the job!